Peace
This is about to be the corniest post I’ve ever shared, BUT, walk with me.
I recently hopped back onto the Plant Mum bandwagon by purchasing a peace lily for my room. Since last year, I’d been researching air purifiers and air purifying plants in an effort to help me breathe cleaner air that has less harmful particles. Consumed by the spirit of procrastination and indecisiveness, I never got around to buying the plants. I did, however, remember to buy an electric air purifier when I noticed myself getting bouts of hay fever.
A few months down the line, once lockdown had commenced and I was still full of life and energy to do absolutely everything, I went on Amazon to purchase a plant to be delivered the next day. In a rush, I clicked “pay”, folded my arms across my chest and leaned back with a smile on my face. Tomorrow, I thought, I’d be beaming at my beautiful plant, watering it and taking great care of it so it can take great care of me too.
The next day, the delivery man came and left a rather small Amazon package outside my door. I tried to remember what else I’d ordered off Amazon and forgotten about. I even wondered if one of my friends had seen my amazon wishlist and decided to bless me with one of the few items on there (fat chance, that. Rolls eyes). I opened the package and out fell a small packet of little brown, round objects. Upon further inspection, I realised that they were actually seeds. “80 Spathiphyllum seeds”, a white sticker stuck on the clear packet said, and I nearly wept. In my haste, I’d ordered peace lily seeds as opposed to the plant itself. To cut a long story short, I decided to plant the seeds, but after over a month, nothing sprouted. I didn’t have the appropriate materials (type of soil, moss, etc) to plant the seeds. Accepting my L, I went onto B&Q online and ordered two plants for collection - one for our living room, and another for my bedroom. I now have this beauty proudly sitting on my chest of drawers, bringing extra life into my room. I immediately placed it into a nice pot, then I watered it as it was getting dry in the shop. Within a day, the flowers had already started growing, and the leaves look healthier.
In the middle of the night one night, I found myself waking up after a frightening dream. I got out of bed after praying, and I came face to face with the plant. An overwhelming sense of peace washed over me, a peace I haven’t felt in a very long time. Before the pandemic and the subsequent lockdown, I hadn’t been at peace in a while. I’d actually been looking forward to a trip to Cape Town which included, amongst other activities, a day at Hillsong Colour Conference. The last women’s conference I’d attended was in 2017, and it was there that my life was transformed, leading to my baptism, better relationship with God and active participation in my church. My soul was longing for time to fellowship with other believers in a manner like that all over again, but the coronavirus saw borders closing (in South Africa) and my trip cancelled.
At first, I was so upset that my plans had been ruined. In fact, I’d been saying that I’d still go, for as long as the airline was still operating and South Africa hadn’t had cases yet. I was so determined that I’d started planning my itinerary and looking up other bits and bobs I wanted to bring back with me. In all honesty, I was knee deep in anxiety at this point, but i masked it by preoccupying myself with other things. But the thing about pretending is that the truth always finds a way to come out somehow. You start sweating too much and all the makeup you’re using to mask everything starts running. A smudge here, and a smudge there, and before you know it, the whole world can see that you’re hiding something.
Like unmoisturised skin on a hot summer’s day, I cracked. I broke down and I cried. I had my very first panic attack this year, and it was uncontrollable. I hadn’t realised how much I was carrying in me until that episode. It was so difficult to control myself, and all the tactics I’d learnt from my therapist about 4 years ago weren’t working. After a few minutes in battle, I finally found myself again. I calmed down and I cracked a window open. After a little while, I closed it and decided to go to sleep. In the early hours of the morning, I was woken up violently by yet another anxiety attack. Crazy, right? I felt like I was drowning and choking. I was gasping for air, sweating profusely and damn near having heart palpitations as my heart was racing, while also coughing. It was horrendous, and I felt like I’d nearly died. I sat up in bed and cried some more - what was happening to me? Somehow, I managed to fall asleep again, but not before making a mental note to assess myself in the morning.
It took a lot to really dig deep and confront everything that was going on within me as well as around me. There are certain aspects of my life I’d refused to come to terms with, and thus shoved the thoughts to the back of my head. With everything else going on in the world, I’d buried all the chaos in a very shallow ditch, and as they piled up, that ditch was now overflowing with garbage. I couldn’t contain it anymore, therefore, I had that panic attack before I slept. Even though I’d managed to calm myself down after a few minutes, I hadn’t fully processed everything before going back to sleep, and I suspect the second (nocturnal) panic attack was triggered by that.
Since that night, I’d been so unsettled. I booked an emergency annual leave the day before VE Day bank holiday, and I rested and also spent some time with my loved ones. My spirits lifted a bit, but I was still unsettled, until the night I had that frightening dream.
Peace. Something we chase so often. I meditate using Headspace (perks of working for the NHS in this pandemic), and I try to read something calming before bed to make sure I’m relaxed before I sleep. This doesn’t always go according to plan, and yet, something as simple as a plant made me stop in my tracks to feel and breathe in the peace that’s always been around me all the while, but I’ve just not been able to acknowledge it or accept it. The Peace of the Lord, of knowing that even though I’m at my wits’ end, Jesus is my Prince of Peace. God still has a plan, and my life will unfold according to what He ordains (if I choose to allow Him to order the steps of my feet).
This plant reminded me to stop and just be still. I’d wanted to do everything - from staying fit, baking cakes, baking scones, buns, cooking, recording cooking walkthrough videos, doing skits with my family, learning how to be a graphic designer, rebranding my vlog and my blog/website, WORKING, revising for my cancelled exams AND be there for my family while also trying to stay in contact with my friends. I did it all - from House Party sessions, Zoom Parties that went on to the early hours of the morning, virtual drink ups with strangers, planting herbs and peppers, all that jazz. No wonder I broke down! My life was so BUSY and yet I didn’t feel like I was doing much. My spirit was fighting because I was taking on a lot of things that weren’t really in alignment with my goals for 2020. How was baking cakes every other day (and eating them) going to help me stay fit when I spent very little time actually working out? What about catering to the needs of my family when I was constantly being dragged from one House Party Room to another? And Hinge? Trying to maintain conversation with prospective dates while slowly losing interest because of the uncertainty around when one would actually be able to see people face to face was draining. Peace was nowhere in sight.
As a borderline extrovert/introvert with a lot of unresolved personal issues, I couldn’t take it anymore. But the way my plant transformed in a matter of hours after I’d watered it reminded me that the grass is green where it’s watered. I was like a wilting plant whose flowers were refusing to bloom because I was now empty and dry. I needed to take a sip from the waters that never run dry - I needed to find myself on my knees in conversation with my Creator so He can fill me up and revive me. I’d sucked dry all the nutrients and water around me, and I was attempting to get more from nothing. As I looked at the plant, I also remembered this song we sang back at St Paul’s Mission in Zimbabwe:
“If God cares for the flowers that bloom
If God cares for the birds that sing
If God cares for the waters that flow
I know He cares for me”
I think it’s an actual art to be able to find peace in the middle of chaos. There will always be trying times in this life, and peace seems so elusive, but sometimes, well, for me personally anyway, all it takes is stopping and breathing so I regain perspective. There will always be one DIY project to do, a book to read, a lesson to learn, people to meet, etc, but I shouldn’t forget to look after myself so I find peace. I shouldn’t forget to be open and honest with myself about how I’m feeling so I can remove myself from situations that bring discord into my life. I should learn to manage my emotions so they don’t dictate the trajectory of my life, me behaviour and my response to difficult situations. I should cultivate peace from within, and everything else will seem a little bit more bearable.