The Other Side of Fear (pt. 2)
This piece was originally written on the 28th of April 2021
It’s not enough for people to believe in me and my capabilities. I also need to believe in myself in order to reach my full potential.
One of the things I’ve been battling for years now is the imposter syndrome. Not in the way some people may refer to the imposter syndrome, where they feel like they’re out of their depth, but in a much deeper way where when my superiors at work praise my work and give me glowing recommendations, I’m very doubtful of it because in my own head, I feel like I’m not doing enough. It is a very dangerous space to be in, as it translates to the way I handle my studies and affects the projects I willingly put myself forward for.
When I say that it’s not enough for people to believe in me if I don’t believe in myself, I mean that, people may see so much potential in me, but it is up to ME to believe that and act like it. There’s a saying that everyone is familiar with that probably best describes my current predicament: “You can take a horse to the river but you cannot make it drink”. I’ve had numerous conversations with colleagues, superiors, friends and family and sometimes even acquaintances or near-strangers, and they occasionally speak highly of me and what they see in me. So how come I cannot see it myself? How come I cower away when I think of everything all these people believe I’m capable of? How do I fight this fear that creeps up and whispers to me “Nah, she’s just being polite. She doesn’t really mean that you’re ‘amazing’ at XYZ. You’re decent, at best”. The craziest thing is that, that voice is coming from within me, so where did I get that from? When did I start listening to it and believing it?
The Bible says, “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7.
Three things to unpack here.
Power - We have been given the spirit of power, which equates to strength. This strength helps us to endure, evolve and grow within the Lord. The Bible also tells me that I can do all things through Christ my strength (Philippians 4:6). Therefore, God gave us the spirit of power through Christ, and I believe that what I need is Christ to be able to conquer my fears and do anything! Relying on my own strength has gotten me nowhere. As a human being, I am flawed, and sometimes I listen to the wrong voices. But by the power of God through Christ, I can overcome all that and choose to believe what God has to say about me instead, not what the voice in my head tells me. Even when man praise me, I still need to humble myself before God because it is through Him that I’m capable of all these.
Love - love is mentioned so many times in the Bible, and in a multitude of ways. The love God has for us, the romantic love between two people, the love parents have for their children, the love friends have for each other, etc. But, what is love? According to Corinthians 13, God is love.
A sound mind - as someone who’s been suffering from anxiety, sleep problems, migraines and a whole host of problems, I can wholeheartedly say that a “sound mind” is something I haven’t had in a very long time. I’ve had to analyse all areas of my life with the help of a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist, unpacking everything to find the root cause of some of these issues. Nothing manifests overnight; it always starts somewhere as a small seed, a little fire that ends up burning the whole field (Kamoto kamberevere kakapisa matanda mberi). Addressing symptoms will only temporarily help, but getting to the bottom of things will help me root out the cause and enable me to formulate a permanent solution of sorts.
To conclude, in all that I do, I need God. Everything I’ve been going through comes down to how I’ve been relating to God of late. I feel far away from Him, and I feel like I’m in the middle of a storm, pushing against strong winds and cold weather to get back into the arms of my Heavenly Father. God strengthens me, God is the love that sustains me and shows me the perfect example of what love is supposed to look like so I may not accept anything less, and God gives me a sound mind that kicks away the anxiety I’ve been suffering from for years. In His word, I am instructed to cast my anxieties unto Jesus, and I really would like to give that a shot.
